Grabeng LSS: Better That We Break

Nampucha naman o! Bakit ko pa ba binuksan 'tong MP3 player ko. Haven't been using it in more than a week! Nagawi pa ako sa Maroon 5 folder. Ayan, maghapon nang tumutugtog yung Better That We Break.

"It’s not right, not okay
Say the word that you'll say
Maybe we’re better off this way"

Aguy, sikip sa dibdib. Parang sasabog. Sige patugtog pa rin naman si ako.

Ganda naman talaga. Damang-damang din ng kumakanta e.

San nga ba ako pupulutin ngayong pasko? He he.

"...I’m not fine, I’m in pain

It’s harder everyday

Maybe we’re better off this way

It’s better that we break..."

:-(

Feliz(?) cumpleaños a mi...and jacket envy

Counting down to 30...the death watch for my "tumultuous" 20's. Now everyone's gonna expect me to amass a lot of wealth and settle down...and give my parents little grandkids.

Been getting advanced birthday greetings today...including an overseas call from my mom. They seem to be excited to greet me this time. :-) Thank God some cheering up from the islands came.

But strangely enough, i've been busy trying to buy a gift these past few days. Somehow, buying a gift for an ex is much more complicated than for a "current". It should be personal enough but never too explicit to avoid any unforeseen conflict with their own current. Sabi nga ng APO: "mahirap talagang magmahal ng syota ng iba!" So, i had the difficult choice to pick between GGM's Love In The Time of Cholera or a Vanilla Spice gift pack. The scent is exceptionally sexy, but i won't be the one having the first sniff everyday, ain't I? So that was out. So today, I'll have to buy GGM's novel instead with it's most romantic story but a very unromantic title (hihihi) which shrouds the whole thing in seemingly disinteresting content.

Somehow I'm gonna miss buying a special someone something to wear. My ex, Tangkad, was quite surprised that I shopped for my other ex--you know, stuff like clothes, sexy undies, ha ha ha. (Weird ng language ng blog na to a). I guess di ginagawa ng bf nya sa kanya yon. A poor pinoy splurging his gf with expensive stuff from Europe--that's quite something for her siguro no?

But my friend told me never to forget that I am also entitled to splurge a little. Splurging has always been in my mind since i arrived. I sort of have "jacket envy". If penis envy could sometimes become obsessive....i have obsessive "jacket envy" now. I keep seeing these exceptional pea coats worn by the students here. I already have my own 3/4 pea but i like this shorter one too--plus this one can be acceptably worn in the Philippines. Been tempted several times to convert my euros to francs to buy one for myself just into my 2nd week here. But i told myself i should finance it from francs earned. :-)

Oh dang!...it's gonna be my birthday tomorrow. Don't know whether to be happy or what. There's one birthday wish that i'm pretty sure ain't comin' true. :-(

At any rate, feliz cumpleaños a mi! I hope...

Anti-social

Is the moon full? I feel angry...and what makes it hard is I don't know why. Just angry.

Well, maybe i do know the reason. But i can generally say, I am anti-social today. Could be that my birthday is only two days away and/or still adjusting to a no-love-life scenario.

Haven't spoken to the object of my affection these last two days. Just waved at her yesterday at lunch time. Then I dashed off back to my room without saying goodbye. Didn't talk much either to a lot of people. Just plain anti-social. I feel evil. Ha ha.

Could be that Raprap the Brat is back. Now, that I'm single again.

I've been horribly unproductive today. I hope tomorrow will be better.

Even my blog is short today! Surprise, surprise! :-)

-end-

A day of mistaken identities

Today was so funny. The two Pinoys went to a forum/lecture on the peace efforts in Colombia. Speaking was a the top official in charge of reintegrating former combatants in that country's protracted insurgency and armed conflicts.

It was to be expected that Colombians would be there. But just like clockwork, the moment we were standing on the door to the auditorium this lady from the Colombian embassy steps out, looks at us, and blurts: "buenos dias!" then mumbles some more Spanish sentences. Responding with a buenos dias was easy enough. The Colombians (including the ambassador) inside seemed eager to make conversation only to check whether we were from their neighborhood...only to be a little disappointed that we only shared a former colonial master. :-D

But, one of them had been to the Philippines, and he enjoyed finding snippets of Hispanic culture in the Philippines. Interestingly enough, his uncommon surname is also the surname of one of my friends. And i kidded him that i will say hi for him to his long lost Filipino "primo."

And so, that was over, we went down the hill to a Lebanese take out. And guess what? He thought we were Indonesian! Ha ha! It never is a first thought that we are Filipino. He was gonna go on about his Sudanese friend Mohammad....but probably realized that Filipinos were Christian...so he stopped. Ha ha!

Oh well, very amusing experiences that made me feel warm in an otherwise very cold day--in many different respects.

Green means wait

If you are familiar with Gmail, there's a list of contacts on the left side under the navi bar. And it tells you whether a friend or contact in the list is online by lighting up the button beside the name green.

Sometime today, HER green light was on...I stared at it...like it was asking me to press the chat button and talk to her...

Talk to her about what?
About the great times we had together and the great ones that we're gonna have soon?
About how beautiful she looks in that tight grey turtleneck (so upitty-tight, yet so sensual)?
About some playful non-sense that lovers say to each other from day-to-day to affirm their love daily?
About travelling the world together and facing the wind with a mouth full of air?

About how beautiful (and tall) our children would be coz Pinoy genes mixes well with Caucasian genes?

About the beach house that i plan to buy her as my wedding present?

About how I'll try to make everyday exciting at home that she'll be raring to go home after work?

And just like the sound of an interrupted 60s record player....i snap back into reality.

I'm no longer her boyfriend....if I ever was(?).

Konsyensya voice comes on: "Remember: she likes you very much but there are other factors to consider."

"C'mon the green light is on. Talk to her." some other thought poked me.

But what am i gonna say? Am i gonna flirt with her again? She doesn't like it. She says it's difficult if i keep flirting with her.

"So what? Are you gonna just stay there and stare at that green light?", continues the thought.

But she's terribly busy. I might be too presumtuous that she wants to talk to me just coz she's logged on to Gmail.

"What the hell? She could still be yearning for your company! You know how much you made her laugh! You are the only guy in the world who could do that!", the thought insisted.

Yeah, you're right. I'm still the guy who made things all rosy...so rosy that she didnt want to believe it.

"So, what are you waiting for? Press that damn chat button!"

Alright.....here goes nothing!..........

Oh, she logged off. :-)

Just my luck. Ha ha ha.

I guess today, some distance is needed. And things fell into place. I need to learn to control my self for her own sake too. She wants my help to have a not so complicated life without this complicated love.

Oh yes....where does this river take me?....I hope to happier riverbanks.

Unrequited

Winter na nga dito....winter pa rin ang "the weather in me" (sabi nga ng Swiss band na Lovebugs).

Ganito pala ang feeling ng unrequited no? Masayang malungkot....masaya ka kasi mahal mo pa rin sya (warm pa rin eh, kahit papano) pero di naman nya nire-reciprocate!

Haaay, wish ko lang na i was born a European so i can have the equal capacity to compete. But these are things that you wish for but could never change. Born in the once great Philippines is both a blessing and a curse. Beautiful country, excellent beaches....but poor...always poor in the eyes of foreigners. Di nila alam we have so much love to give....one thing that you really need in a "relationship". Pati ba naman sa love life di maka-compete ang Pinas....that is how uncompetitive we have become! He he....Sweeping generalization from personal experience.

I guess, komplikado talagang magmahal, sa kahit anong sitwasyon. Exception than the rule when one could say that they are totally satisfied with their partners and relationships.

Sometimes, sa gabi, naiisip ko din bakit ba naman ako kumagat sa "relationship" na 'to? Ngayon I am suffering the consequences of being unrequited. Not that this is my first time to be unrequited. Pero bakit nga ba palaging nangyayari? Tapos feeling ko lahat ng effort to normalize our separate lives nasa akin ang burden. Ganun ba kalakas ang impact ko sa buhay nila na kelangan ako pa rin ang mag-ayos ng post-Raprap life nila?

Sabi nga ng isa kong friend: "You must be THAT good!"....cool thought, pero bakit ako iniiwanan? Am i too independent? Am i too bubbly? Am i too much of a best friend and too little of the bad boy that every girl secretly seeks. Or they just don't know my bad boy side(?) har har har.

The mystery of my life.

To close with the Lovebugs again:

"The weather out here is the weather in me
And it’s getting much colder each day
The season has changed and it all turns to grey
Don't you know, this is the end of the show"

Separate lives from here on. It's not easy for me. I don't know about her (er...them). But i'm a well trained Catholic--keeping up appearances will hopefully not be too difficult. Make a pretty smile...act like everything is normal...have a big fiesta even when you don't got a dime in your pocket. But, don't worry, the tempest will soon be calmed.

I hope...Aaaah-meeehn...

Winter-Autumn-Winter

Ach so! He he...Two weeks in Switzerland and Jun says it seems that we've been here for a very long time already. He's right, Manila life seems to be so quick and fast-paced compared to here. That's factoring in 3 minutes of sunlight lost everday as the northern hemisphere heads towards winter. Now, the sun sets at around 4.30.

But ever since we got here, the weather seems so confused. We touched down in Zurich on a Wednesday afternoon and the whole country (well, from Zurich to Fribourg, at least) was covered in snow. It lasted for a few more days then the snow disappeared. So now, we are like in late autumn weather--usually gloomy and humid. But luckily these past few days, it's been sunny.

But the weather's the least of my worries here. Came here to work and do research, but somehow, everyday is just full of sexual tension and emotional ambivalence. :-) Yes, i came back to the country where i fell in love again. But now, that love will most likely be unrequited.

And so the legend of Rizal ends with me here. The man was fabled to be quite a lover of many women in Europe. Ha ha! Last year, i came here for other reasons and not for love, but i came home with an almost euphoric sense of fulfillment. Foolish of me to be so naive when i have been forewarned by the very object of my affection: "Don't put your hopes so much on this relationship." she said. But i don't love half-heartedly. So this year, i came here for purely business reasons, and my love life forecast is bleak. Let God not allow it once more that i stumble again into some nice european girl who will later be harder to love from distant and foreign Philippines.

Yes, the days will be longer even though they are actually shorter. But the days will be incerasingly colder. It ain't just about physical intimacy but that warm and soothing feeling that you feel when you are loved.

No tears shed yet, just a heavy chest everyday.

And so, i face my first winter with great trepidation. I will see europe again in a new light...Finding romantic places for future romances, whoever she or they may be...Hoping that someday, the girl of my "tatay's dreams" (he he) and also of mine (siempre) will come with me to those places just for the sheer joy of seeing beautiful things together.

Ach so! My prologue ends.